Monday, February 1, 2010

Monday, February 1, 2010

Impossible to start without wishing my mother a happy birthday, she passed in 2004 at the age of 86 due to a form of dementia yet it is impossible for me to let the day go by without reminiscing about the past and remembering my brother and I were privileged to have one of the best mothers this world has ever seen.

There is little doubt that winter has settled in it is after all February 1st my external temperature gauge registering -6°C which compared to yesterday's -25°C is quite balmy to say the least yet the snow outside makes it virtually impossible to go outdoors.
I'm doing okay yet every part of me longs to be able to get up out of this chair and go for a walk. Recently I've read the blog of a gentleman who spoke of the body's ability to rebuild itself to regenerate its wiring if you will, my question is what do you do when you're dealing with multiple areas requiring regeneration? It's not as if I did not try to walk as long as I could it's difficult to forget those days since I just didn't want to give up yet towards the end my legs would not move at all, honestly anyone who saw me would have likened my efforts to cruel and unusual punishment. I'm not kidding that's how bad it was, that is not to say that exercise is not important it is vital most definitely yet when there are multiple areas of your spinal cord defined as having multiple lesions scattered throughout it is difficult for me to imagine how I could have tried any harder or any longer. My God if regeneration were to take place I have to say I gave it my all yet it didn't work for me.

I did not want the chair who in their right mind would, every time I read about someone who believes they can change the course of the disease by simple acts it makes me question my efforts, did I try hard enough? Maybe if I would've pushed a bit longer things may have turned out differently. Knowing the choice was not mine to make does not make it any easier I was dealt a hand with little control as to the outcome. Medicine today has little to offer with regard to treatment but let me tell you it appears they have the prognosis down path.

Lately it seems I'm always tired usually in bed at 9 PM I'm wide awake at 4 AM listening to the radio where I slip in and out of sleep until my spouse awakes for work.
There was a time when sleep provided an escape which manifested itself in the form of dreams I could walk, run those mornings where great I awoke in the morning feeling as if I had achieved something. Even this brief escape is slowly drifting away it seems I can't even get away from the chair during my dreams.
Yesterday for example we were going on a fishing trip same guys different circumstances yet I recall sitting in the bait and tackle shop wondering what I should purchase as everything I had was sold due to MS. I decided on a few things and after what seemed like hours of preparation as we had to rent a canoe since I had sold mine. Everything was ready we were all set to go yet at the lake I realized I could not board the canoe. The chair was back and it spoiled everything.
My wife left after I was dressed in my chair she does the dressing I just sit there like a dumb doll unable to help to do much of anything except maybe struggle with my T-shirt. When she leaves well things turn dead quiet I will usually watch the news then turn on the computer to see if I have received any e-mails. There are usually several yet they all seem to originate from various drug studies and newfound hypotheses about the disease. It is my fault for subscribing to these publications yet I need to remain current. Several of my e-mails are from acquaintances and some friends usually jokes which quite frankly I don't enjoy as much as I did previously. The friends I had at one time are no longer around and like others have moved on in their lives to other things, I certainly cannot blame them if it were not for knowing what I know today I would have probably been the same.

This is so different from what I was accustomed to it's difficult to comprehend. When I built our first home whenever a neighbor had difficulty with something electrical/mechanical they would always call on me. It was a gift granted I could fix just about anything, from an educational standpoint you want to talk eclectic? I had completed a two-year postsecondary course qualifying me as an apprentice electrician, a course in small engine repair two-stroke four stroke your garden variety type of engine provided another certificate.
At one point I even found myself passing examinations in Toronto qualifying me as a certified dialysis perfusionist. Several years later I found myself looking for another challenge more variety resulting in several transfers to Toronto.
My belief was simple if it were made by man how could it be that complicated? All of that to say I felt needed my contributions mattered they made a difference, whether it was fixing a neighbors deep well water system, teaching a patient how to utilize a dialysis machine, or teaching students about encrypted secure data communications, copiers, printers, facsimiles.
Today nothing but memories it must've been someone else's life since it seems so far away unless I dreamt all of that too.
Bottom line, excuse the pun maybe I just didn't try hard enough.

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